


To Free A Hawke

by MizUnderstood2136



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angry Kissing, Angst, F/M, Mutual Pining, Quote: It's Smutty Literature, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-04-24 13:23:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14356389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MizUnderstood2136/pseuds/MizUnderstood2136
Summary: Nyda Trevelyan is a young looking mage who has had her fair share of ridiculously terrible luck. Becoming the Inquisitor was just one more thing on that growing list. Meeting the mage, Garrett Hawke, famous in his own right, well that was another bit to add.Instant fireworks, and not the good kind. Garrett treated Nyda like a child, and Nyda was beyond angry as his insistence that she was too young for all of the things.But.. After long he started sneaking into her dreams. Touching and loving her.And she knew her heart had no chance against him, try as she might to deny it.





	1. I Love To Hate You..

**Author's Note:**

> This really started as an idea months and months ago that I just kinda stuck on the back burner because.. Life. But, it would not be denied, and when someone in my DA FanFic group asked about people's preferred rare pairs, I brought up my Hawke and Inky that start out by hating each other.  
>  There's more to the story, obviously, but you'll have to read to find out

 

**I stood on the courtyard stairs, holding that giant sword that Cassandra had presented to me. I stared down into all those upturned cheering faces, proclaimed that I was doing this for mages and the good of the people. Inside? I was a churning mess.**

**I didn't want to be the leader. I didn't want to be a Herald. I didn't even want to be a mage, truth be told. I looked back at Leliana and she was all teary eyed, Josephine was nodding and looked rather pleased with herself.**

**Nyda Trevelyan, heretic turned Herald turned Inquisitor. Mage, Apostate and Saviour.**

**I was born in Ostwick, and my magic was a well anticipated thing. My mother's family had magic. I was barely ten winters old when I fell through a door. A closed door. A closed, and locked door.**

**I had been shipped off to the Tower, and while she had tried, my mother's visits became less and less frequent. I hadn't seen her in over 2 years when the uprising began. I hadn't seen any of my family really. I was considered a senior mage, well liked and very well read and taught. I was strong and totally blindsided by the Templars turning on us. I had made my escape with another group of mages, the first enchanter and others.**

**However, it probably would have been a better bet to stay with the bloody Templars. I had woken up one morning tied to a chair. Naked but for blood running down my face. The first enchanter was dead and I was used as a magical toy. For months.**

**Until one night, I was fading. My body was giving up. As was my soul. Until a Spirit of Compassion found me in the fade and sacrificed herself to give me the power to escape. I.. Had never heard of such a thing. Usually it was “spirits bad, say no” and I had never really questioned it.**

**I didn't shed a drop of blood for that spirit, and she told me she was an old spirit and she was tired too. But she had one last gift she could give the world.**

 

**Me.**

 

I was sitting in the wreck that was the main hall of Skyhold, contemplating the news of some “surprise visitor” wanting to meet on the battlements. 

I was fairly sure Varric was alluding to the infamous Hawke. Garish? Garbage? Garrett?

Leliana was right, Cassandra would be furious if she found out. Which she would, because she was tenacious and smart. I sighed. Went upstairs to make myself look like the “Inquisitor”. Black leather pants, a dark purple shirt, a black vest and boots. I braided my white hair back, leaving my green eyes uncovered. It always amazed me, my nearly black eyebrows and eyelashes, but my hair white. It hadn't been that way a year and a half ago. I ran a finger over the scar that ran down my jaw. 

Shaking my head, I left my staff in the room and headed out to the battlements. I nodded at the men manning the battlements and quickly made my way around the keep. I exited through the tower door and there stood Varric with a taller dark haired man. They were deep in discussion and didn't hear me as I stood at the bottom of the stairs. I watched the man with Varric. Inky black hair that had a smattering of gray at his temples. A well trimmed beard, clear golden eyes. Like the color of well aged Whiskey. I cocked my head. He had.. An amazing amount of magic at his command. It was heady, and I wondered at how no one else could feel it. 

I stepped forward and he immediately went on the offensive, fire in his hand, shocking me into erecting a hasty shield. “Oh for, are you joking? Attacking me in my own keep?!” I hissed, dropping the shield. He squinted at me, closing his fist on the flame. Varric sighed, “Sorry about that, Stormy,” he said, rubbing a hand over his face, wary.

“Don't apologize for me, Varric. She really shouldn't sneak up on mages like that.”

I snorted. “If you couldn't feel me coming when I felt you two towers away, maybe it's more that you just need better training, old man” I said sweetly. Varric’s hair was beginning to stand on end, and I could feel the electricity in the air. Hawke squinted at me again. He seemed good at that at least. 

“The Inquisitor is a bloody child, Varric!”

“No, she's not. She's older than she looks. Beyond that, does her age matter? She's the one in charge. The others are the leash but she's the hammer. Deal with it Hawke.”

I was surprised. I took a breath, trying to leash the magic. “Varric, I'm not a hammer. Maybe a delicate flower…”

He laughed, loud and shocking. “Delicate, my ass!” he howled. I crossed my arms under my chest, waiting for him to stop. He wiped at his face, a chuckle the last sound for a minute. 

I took a breath, “Shall we start over?” I asked, holding out my hand. He raised a dark brow, before taking my hand and slowly shaking it. 

 

_ Hawke standing in the fade, betrayal after betrayal.  _

 

_ The Chantry explosion, ensuing chaos.  _

 

_ Heartwrenching loneliness… _

 

I gasped and pulled away. “Are you alright, Nyda?” Varric asked, worry on his face. I nodded and kept my eyes on Garrett.

He had no clue. What I had just seen.

We began to talk, snark against sass. He faced down a Qunari horde, I had a Qunari horde in the body of one man. And so on. 

We agreed to meet in Crestwood, to meet his Warden friend. When Varric left I stayed behind.

“What happened after Anders left Kirkwall?” I asked quietly. Varric had told me much, but not all. 

Hawke sighed. “I have just been helping the refugees and mages find shelter in the wake of things. Carver is still with the Wardens, but I've sent him to Rivain in an attempt to keep him away from this Calling.”

“Varric said you stayed behind when everyone else scattered. Have you really been alone in Kirkwall this whole time?”

“Me? No. Never alone. Always surrounded by weirdos and mages.”

I sighed. Turned to leave. 

“Thank you,” I heard quietly behind me.

“For?” I asked without turning. 

“Keeping Varric safe.”

I laughed softly. “He keeps me just as safe. Usually. Flaming bolts are a bitch,” I answered. I left to his laugh, and tried to quell that stupid ball of heat in my belly. 

 

**\--- Garrett -**

 

As she left with that soft laugh of hers, he stood there trying to stay mad. How had a girl been made the Inquisitor, a mage one at that? Not that he was objecting to a female Inquisitor, just one barely out of her childhood. He caught glimpses of her over the course of the day, exercising, issuing orders, listening to her advisors with rapt attention.  _ What I would give for that same attention _ , he thought, surprising himself. 

His biggest surprise came when he saw her alone on her balcony, looking lonlier than he felt usually. He had watched her as she had watched everything below her. She couldn't see him in his tower room, as he had doused the candles earlier. 

He felt an exceedingly unwelcome heat curling through his stomach as he watched her. 

Treacherous bodies.

 

**\--- Nyda -**

 

The next day I found him still at Skyhold, drinking with Varric at the tavern. I sneered at their backs and went upstairs to sit at an empty table. I could still hear them talking. 

“So I got a letter from Izzy,” Varric said, sounding nearly flippant. 

“Ah yes. What is the voluptuous viper up to now?” Garrett asked.

“You know her, still floating boats and taking names. She asks where you are…” Varric’s voice trailed off. 

“No. Do not answer that. She took enough from me. From us.”

Varric sighed loudly. “You're telling me?” 

I smothered a laugh.

“So you're leaving in the morning?” Varric asked. 

“Yes. Stroud is waiting for me. And your Inquisitor gives me the willies,” he muttered. Varric choked on his drink.

I straightened in my seat. 

“Have you seen her? She walks around like she owns the place! She's barely an adult and hasn't seen anything of the world and she's running a fucking military organization. What were they thinking?!”

By the time he finished drinking, the glass in my hand had completely frosted over. 

“She's seen more than anyone her age should have, Garrett. You don't know everything, and every decision she has made for us has been the right one!” Varric exclaimed. 

“She can't be more than 18, Varric. She's a child. And she should not be in charge, you all know it.” Garrett was hissing his reply, like he couldn't even swallow his own bullshit. 

“Oh come on! What are you really angry about? That a fellow mage finally has a place of power? And it only took the world falling apart to get here!” Varric hissed back. I could feel my magic responding to whatever this was churning in my gut. 

I stood up and silently walked up the last flight of stairs, trying to suppress it. But when I closed the door leading from the attic, I heard the distinct sound of all the glass in the building shattering and the accompanying shouts of dismay. 

I made my way out into the battlements to the abandoned tower. Then to the roof of said tower. I sat on the outer edge, my feet dangling off into the abyss. I kept hearing his words echoing in my head. “She's a child” and blah blah.

I hadn't been a child in a long time. I was 27 years old. But my soul felt a great deal older. I sat there for who knows how long, before a throat cleared behind me.

“Frosty?” came the wary voice. I sighed.

“Varric.”

“You alright?” he asked, walking over to me. I looked up at him, squinting in the dark. 

“I'm great. Just a kid running the biggest travesty in history,” I sneered. He sighed. 

“You overheard?”

“Oh. Yes. All of it. Your friend sucks.”

I looked back out into the dark. 

“I don't even care. He can think what he wishes. He is just a stupid link in the big chain I get to control. He can jump off a cliff. Preferably one above high pointy rocks,” I muttered. 

“Ah you don't know him. And he doesn't know you. He's been through a lot,” he started to say. 

“Varric, I've died before. I was tortured. For months. By people I trusted. Do not lecture me about being through a lot. And don't defend the buffoon. He's an ass. I hope he cut himself on the glass.”

“He did. Twice. His face though, I had a hard time not laughing. He's leaving in the morning,” he offered. 

“Not soon enough, in my so very young opinion.”

“Ah, hell. Shit,” he muttered, leaving me there. 

 

**\--- Garrett -**

 

_ Did I really just say all of that _ ? he thought, staring down at the blood welling in his hand. He had jumped when all of the glass around him broke, including the one he was about to drink from. The rum soaking into his clothes wasn't nearly so unsettling as the thought that he had hurt her.

He scowled and wrapped a cloth handed to him by the barkeep, who was giving him a right nasty glare. He left a sizeable chunk of money on the bar and stalked out into the night. 

He made his way back to the dark tower room Varric had procured for him. And as he laid there in the dark, he watched her room light up and her shadow move about as she readied for bed. 

 

**_Garrett sat in the garden, the night sky black and no stars to be seen. It was eerie and quiet, not a sound to be heard. He was reading a book but couldn't for the life of himself remember what the words were._ **

**_“What are you doing here?” came an imperious voice from behind him. He jumped, standing and turning in one fluid motion, a glare on his handsome face._ **

**_“Better question is what are_ ** **_you_ ** **_doing here?” he countered, trying to slow his heart._ **

**_“Ah. This is my keep. My garden. See those little star flowers? Those are mine. And that bench you were sitting on? Also mine, in fact my favorite place to sit when I'm not being a young organization ruiner.”_ **

**_He raised a dark eyebrow. “I meant why are you *here*, in my dream?”_ **

**_“Well.” She stepped forward, her long night dress softly moving around her bare feet. “I don't know you well enough to tell you. And you're a bit of an ass. Varric loves you though, and so I will try and play nice. Let’s just say the mark has given me a new grip on the fade. I'll bid you goodnight,” she said before turning. He didn't understand why his hand shot out and gently gripped her arm to stop her._ **

**_She just looked back at him over her shoulder._ **

**_“What?” she asked, nearly exasperated._ **

**_“So you have to go?”_ **

**_She raised her eyebrows, obviously surprised._ **

**_“No, but it is probably best. I don't seem to have my usual control when you're around. Which is nothing shy of aggravating,” she muttered. He chuckled, swiping his thumb over the soft skin of her arm._ **

**_“I'm an excellently annoying person, just ask Varric.”_ **

**_“He's told me all about you. What do you think we do, run around never speaking? I'd die of boredom.”_ **

**_He dropped her arm but she didn't move to leave._ **

**_She faced him, her hands behind her back._ **

**_“Why do you make me so angry?” she mused, moving to walk a circle around him, looking him over. He could feel a flush on his chest, unsure how to even react to such perusal. She chewed on her lower lip, her clear green eyes dancing over him. When she met his eyes, heat bloomed in his body. He scowled and she smirked._ **

**_“And there you are. Garrett the Ass. Have a goodnight,” she said before disappearing._ **

 

**\--- Nyda -**

 

The next morning, I was awake before sunrise. Hadn’t slept much the night before, what with him invading the one space I could retreat to in my sleep. I found myself sitting on the battlements above the gates, waiting for  _ him _ to leave. 

Ah the man had plagued my dreams all night. And not in an ‘I'm angry with him’ way. In an intensely erotic way. I felt my cheeks heating. It was a most unusual betrayal, my body wanting what my mind abhorred.

I shifted on the stone, and felt him approaching before I heard him. I sighed, trying to calm myself before he approached. 

“Ah I thought that was you. Your hair.. It’s odd to be sure.”

“Did you come up here to insult my hair?” I asked, standing and turning to look at him. His hair was mussed, his eyes bright. 

“No. Actually. Varric said I should apologize.”

“I don't want empty words, Ser Hawke. I’d much rather never see you again, truth be told. Or hear you.”

He rubbed a hand over his face, stepping closer. I stood my ground, trying not to smell the air. Maker did he have to smell like sin dipped in heady wine?

“What is your…” he started to ask when I laughed. Bitterly at that.

“You. You are my problem. I've lived and died and fallen into the fade. I haven't been a child for a very long time. I didn't ask for any of this. It literally fell into my hands, on fire. I, Ser Hawke,” I sneered, “was chosen. Which is more than some can say for themselves.” 

He growled at me. Really growled. I raised my eyebrows. “Are you trying to intimidate me? Because it takes more than a little chest rumble. I think you should leave, Hawke. And don't come back.” I said succinctly. He stepped forward again, his hand in a fist. 

“What right have you…” 

I interrupted him with a wave of my hand, frosting his beard and eyebrows with a snort. “I'm just a little girl playing dress up. I have no right. No more than you, old man,” I said coldly, walking away leaving a trail of frost on the stones behind me.

 

**2 Weeks Later -**

 

Varric adjusted the strap for Bianca at his shoulder. “You sure you're ready for this?” he asked me with a smirk. I shot him a glare. He chuckled. “Ho, there Stormy. Let's just get this over with.”

I rolled my eyes, and maybe let a little shock loose on his knuckles. He hissed and mumbled something under his breath. Bull and Dorian were just watching it all with fascination. Oddly enough. 

 

After hours and hours, and a fight or two, we finally made it to the cave  _ he _ had marked on our map. Soaked to the bone, we approached, he seemed to materialize from the shadows. My pulse skipped and I admonished my body silently.  _ Betrayer _ . 

“Took you long enough,” he said rudely. I snorted. “We're here. And we met some Warden’s on the way. You're welcome for sending them the opposite direction.” I was just as rude as I just walked past him into the cave. I ignored his grumbling to Varric, the ensuing laughter and Dorian shushing them all.

I opened the makeshift door and approached the table (who puts tables inside caves?!) covered in books and papers. I heard before I saw, the metallic song of a sword. I turned, ice in my hand and faced the overly mustached man. 

Hawke interrupted, telling him who we were. 

Then we talked. And talked. He explained about the Calling, what it was and why it wasn't ever spoken of outside the ranks of the Wardens. He explained an unusual alliance with a Magister that the Warden Commander had made. And the subsequent issues. I was horrified. I had met Wardens before, a couple had come to the tower years before to peruse our library of ancient texts. This had to be a horrific experience. 

After dozens of questions and not a little antipathy on both sides, we finally left. They agreed to meet us in the Western Approach. 

 

**\---**

 

**_I was laying on a blanket, in that gorgeous field out behind the keep. A gentle breeze blew about me, stars littering the night sky. I sighed, closing my eyes._ **

**_Hot, soft lips pressed to mine, a hand in my hair. I kept my eyes closed, kissing him back. He tasted like spiced wine, his beard soft against my chin. He pulled my jaw down, his tongue invading my mouth. Lazily, he kissed me, tongue retreating and claiming mine again and again. The heat of his body spreading into mine. Hands clutching at me, drawing sighs and shivers._ **

**_Need pummeled me, clawing at my heart, demanding satisfaction at the hands of *him*._ **

**_Only him._ **

**_His mouth pulled away, to press at my neck. Teeth nipping at my skin, tongue soothing the sting. Hands ran down my sides, pulling up the soft sundress I was wearing. Fingers shifting my leg, touching my core with a confidence that made me tremble. I finally opened my eyes, his were staring down at me._ **

**_He slid a finger inside me, curling it deep. My eyes closed as he rubbed and filled me, feeding the greed. His lips pressed at my ear, “I dream about you almost every night,” he whispered. His breath sent shivers shooting down my spine. My hands cradled his face, that face that so angered and drove me insane._ **

**_“Make love to me,” I whispered back. His eyes darkened, his mouth crushing mine. My hands pushed his shirt from his shoulders, caressed his skin on the way to his pants._ **

**_Seconds later I was wrapping my fingers around his cock, and what I would have given for it to be real. In my bed. Outside of a fantasy of a dream._ **

**_His gasp as I stroked him brought me back to the blanket. He moved my hand and shifted his hips, gently pressing forward. My head rolled back as he filled me, hot and so very hard. His hands grabbed for mine, as he started to move. I wrapped my legs around him, urging him on, wordlessly._ **

**_His forehead pressed to mine, his heart racing as his relentless search for our pleasure drove us crazy. I gripped his fingers, so, so close to bliss. His lips crushed mine as he felt me tumble. He swallowed my cry, grinding his hips against me as his own release tore through him. Ears ringing, bodies trembling…_ **

 

I woke with a gasp. It had been 2 weeks since I saw him last, and my dreams were taking an intensely emotional turn. Not to mention I woke up wanting more than when I went to sleep. I put my hand over my heart, laying in my tent alone in the desert. Tomorrow. I sighed. 

 

**The Next Morning -**

 

“I dunno, Frosty. Seems to me like this is just going to be another dead end,” Varric huffed from behind me. I snorted. So very unladylike but at this point I didn't care. We’d been attacked by this band of crazy ass locals painted white, a bunch of Red Templars and some huge frigging birds. Were they birds? Most ridiculous looking creatures yet. 

“Varric, we have to meet them, find out what's going on with the Wardens. Stop whining.”

He sighed very dramatically. I rolled my eyes.

“I'm just at the right height for all this damn dust! Every time I get behind the Behemoth, I get a face full of desert sand,” he grumbled. 

“I could carry you,” Bull offered with a flex of his gigantic arm muscles. Dorian was oggling the muscles, Varric was shying away and I decided to leave them all. 

I could see Hawke and Stroud standing by a broken structure, so I left the boys to bicker over who was carrying what. Garrett barely suppressed a scowl when I walked up with a cheery hello.

“There are some Wardens inside, with that Magister we were telling you about. They're about to start some sort of ritual. You go on ahead, I'll guard your backs,” Hawke said with a glare. I shook my head and motioned for the others to follow. Stroud and I walked up the stairs first. We saw a Warden mage advancing on one of their scouts, a vacant expression on the mages face, a terrified one on the scouts. He was barely a man. The scout held out his hands, begging to live. 

"Warden-Commander Clarel's orders were clear," the Magister said with a sneer.   


"This is wrong!" the Warden scout yelled.   


"Remember your oath: In war, victory. In peace, vigilance, In death..." the Magister seemed to falter there.   


"I'm sorry," came the monotone from a mage, stepping behind the scout. The scout turned and the mage shoved a dagger into the boy’s stomach, twisting it.   


"... Sacrifice!" the Magister gleefully finished   
A rage demon sprang from the ground, roaring and frothing with flames. "Good! Now bind it, just as I showed you," the Magister ordered.   


The mage held up his hand, and a sickly green light emanated from his hand, and the demon buckled under whatever power he was wielding. The Magister waved his own hand, the red in his hand matching the red in the Warden mages eyes.   


We walked up, not even bothering to mask our approach.

"Inquisitor! What an unexpected pleasure! Lord Livius Erimond of Vyrantium, at your service," he said with a lavish bow.   


"You're no Warden," Stroud said, pointing an angry finger.   


"But you are," Erimond said with an exaggerated sigh. "The one Clarel let slip. And you found the Inquisitor and came to stop me. Shall we see how that goes?"   


I raised an eyebrow. "Looks like you've already done some of my work for me," I said, studying my nails.   


"What, him? We simply needed his blood. Oh, were you hoping to garner sympathy? Maybe make the Wardens feel a bit of remorse? Wardens? Hands up.." and he raised his left hand, with the Wardens all doing the same at the exact same time. "Hands down," and all their hands lowered.   


"Corypheus has taken their minds!" Stroud informed me, like I didn't have two eyes to see it.   


"They did this to themselves. You see the Calling had the Wardens terrified. They looked everywhere for help.” Erimond shrugged almost daintily.    


"Even Tevinter," Stroud growled.   
Erimond grinned, "Yes, and as it was my Master who put the Calling into their little heads, we in the Venatori were prepared. I went to Clarel full of sympathy, and together, we came up with a plan..." he spread his hands, like this was all a foregone conclusion. "Raise a demon army, march into the Deep Roads and kill the Old Gods before they wake."  The snake looked so pleased with himself.    


"Ah, I was wondering when the demon army would show up," I said flippantly, feeling panic fluttering in my stomach.    


Erimond looked worried, "You knew about it, did you? Well, then, here you are! Sadly for the Wardens, the binding ritual I taught their mages has a side effect. They're now my master's slaves." He began to pace on his dais. "This was a test. Once the rest of the Wardens complete the ritual, the army will conquer Thedas.   


"So.. Corypheus tricked the Wardens and made them do this ritual?" I asked.   


Erimond barked a laugh. "Made them? No. Everything you are here? The blood sacrifices to bind the demons? The Wardens did it of their own free will. Fear is a very good motivator, and they were very afraid."    


I felt a real dread wind through me.   


"The Grey Wardens care about nothing save stopping Blights. They will do anything to accomplish that. You should have seen Clarel agonize over the decision. Burdens of command, I suppose."   


I squinted up at him, "Why would the 

Wardens try to kill the Old Gods?"    


He sneered again, "A Blight happens when Darkspawn find an Old God and corrupt it into an Archdemon. If someone fought through the Deep Roads and killed the Old Gods before they could be corrupted, poof! No more Blights! Ever. The Wardens sacrifice their lives and save the world. Although I fear history will remember them a little differently now."   


"Why would Clarel risk using demons?!" I asked.   


"Demons need no food, no rest and no healing. Once bound, they will never retreat, never question orders. They are the perfect army to fight through the Deep Roads. Or across Orlais, now that they are bound to my master."    


"Do you really want to see the world fell to the Blight? What to you get out of this?"   
"The Elder One commands the Blight. He is not commanded by it, like the mindless Darkspawn. The Blight is neither unstoppable or uncontrollable. It is simply a tool."   


"Somebody is certainly a tool," Varric muttered behind me, Dorian saying at the same time, "No, Livius, you're a tool," both making Bull snort.   


He glared at the men, "As for me, while the Elder One rules from the Golden City, we, the Venatori, will be his god-kings here in the world."   


I could feel the pull of the slight tear in the veil above us, and knew now was the time.    


"That's all I needed to know," I said with a smirk.   


"Oh please," Erimond sneered, raising his hand. Searing pain shot through me, like my hand was going to explode.   


As I wrestled with my hand, Erimond spoke again. "Oh! The Elder One showed me how to deal with you, in the event you were foolish enough to interfere again."   


I knelt on the dirty stone floor, pain radiating up my arm and into my chest. Maker this was excruciating!   


"That Mark you bear, that Anchor that lets you pass safely through the veil? You stole that from my master! He's been forced to seek other ways to access the Fade."   


I stood up, pain making me want to vomit. 

"When I bring him your head, his gratitude  will be.."    


I raised my hand then, unleashing the Anchor, ripping open the tear above us, knocking the Wardens and Erimond back. He yelled as he flew backwards. He crawled to his feet, staggering away as he yelled for the Wardens to kill us.    


The battle was swift but bloody. The carnage in that abandoned broken down tower when we were done was disturbing. I stood there, my hand aching and my stomach revolting at the sight of so much needless death.    


"So! That went well," came that grating voice from behind me. Garrett stood there winded.    


"You were correct," Stroud told Hawke. 

"Through their ritual, the mages are slaves to Corypheus."   


"And the Warden Warriors?" Hawke asked, making fists.    


Stroud and I shared a look, which infuriated Hawke more.    


"Oh of course. It's not real blood magic until someone gets sacrificed," he said with a growl.    


I shook my head. "Human sacrifice, demon summoning... Who looks at this and thinks it's a good idea?!" I muttered.   


"The fearful and the foolish," Hawke yelled.   


"The Wardens were wrong, Hawke. But they had their reasons." Stroud looked so sad.   
"All blood mages do! Everyone has a story they tell themselves to justify bad decisions," Hawke said, his arms over his chest. "And it NEVER matters!" his gaze flicked over me, "In the end, you are always alone with your actions!"    


I stayed silent. On one hand I agreed with the aggravating man. On the other, I had been left at the mercy of evil people and this didn't feel the same.   


"I believe I know where the Wardens are, Your Worship. Erimond fled in that direction," Stroud said, ignoring Hawke, pointing off into the distance. "There's an abandoned Warden fortress that way. Adamant."   


I gave a sad smirk, "I guess they don't want to summon a demon army out in public."    
Garrett snorted. I shot him a look, eyebrow raised. He averted his eyes, a blush gracing his face.   


"The Warden and I will scout out Adamant and confirm that the other Wardens are there. We'll meet you back at Skyhold,  _ Your Worship _ ." Hawke turned on his heel and left, Stroud following him with a last lingering glance at his fallen comrades.

 

**5 Days Later - Back At Skyhold -**

 

I sat on the edge of the war room table, idly flipping a pin between my fingers. Just this morning I had to settle an argument with Cole and Solas, then had to ask Josie to find him a ridiculously hard to acquire magic amulet. Which had irritated Cullen.    


That was neither here or there. Garrett was back. Had returned an hour ago, looking half dead and bedraggled. Stroud didn’t look much better.    


I scowled at myself. I had  _ maybe _ spent too many hours the last day or three looking out at that damned bridge to make sure they were coming back. I had  _ maybe _ had to fend off inquiry after inquiry as to WHY I was watching it like a.. Fuck like a hawk. I could feel him approaching the war room. I shook my head at myself and dropped the pin back onto the table and stood. I straightened my jacket and left the room, narrowly avoiding slamming face first into.. Hawkes chest. He caught me, apologizing until he saw it was me. I pushed him away.    


Varric stood behind him, a look of stupefied awe on his face. I glared at him and he started talking. They explained that the Wardens were indeed holed up at Adamant, with numbers that we couldn’t really anticipate. I left them there reminiscing about Kirkwall and the horde of rampaging Qunari. 

 

Later that night, I was sitting above the tavern, watching it from the broken tower roof. I couldn’t bring myself to go in again, not yet. After we had replaced all the glass in there, the barkeep was a little wary of me, no matter how many bottles of amazing liquor I tried to bribe him with. Besides, Varric was in there with Hawke.    


Garrett, oh him of the furry face, strong hands and lightning in his veins. Running into his chest earlier had nearly done me in, and I had barely stopped myself from sniffing his skin when I had been close. My hand itched to touch him even now. Need swirled deep inside me. Need I was only now giving any credence to. Even as it made me entirely uncomfortable. The man was a jackass. A smart jackass that had a knack for getting under my skin with a snarly look. A grip of his staff.    


Heat bloomed in my face.    


Then I felt him leaving the tavern. And climbing the tower.    


“Why is it I always find you alone?” came  _ his _ voice from behind me. I shrugged, not turning to look at him.    


“Why is it you always try to find me?” I countered.    


“I have no fucking idea.”   


His honesty surprised me with that admission. I looked at him and he looked rather surprised himself.    


He walked over and sat next to me, his thigh a breath away from mine. “You make me crazy,” he said with a frown. I sighed.    


“I would say the same but most of them think I was crazy already. It’s a bit of a conundrum.”   


He looked at me, but I still stared down at my hands in my lap. We sat in silence for a while, until the sun was fully gone and the night air started to chill. My hair started to move with the gentle breeze, a white cloud of annoying. He caught a lock of my hair, rubbing it between his fingers.    


“Did you know you smell like sweet cinnamon?” he mused aloud. I felt a blush making its way up my chest. I grasped my hair and took it back.    


“You sure it’s not just my super young age?” I sneered, with a pang. 

“Ah. Still bitter about that?” he asked with a chuckle.    


I looked at him. “On multiple occasions you called me a child,” I pointed out.    


“Well maybe I was wrong,” he said with a shrug. 

“Just maybe?” I asked.    


“Fine. I was wrong. What more do you want?”

“I want my dreams back! I want to sleep and sleep well! I want to walk through my keep and not see your smug face everywhere!” I muttered. 

“Oh, ho, what was that?”    


“Nothing. I’m, well I’m going to go to bed so I can’t sleep again,” I said stiffly, standing and brushing the dust from the stone floor from my butt. I could feel his eyes all over me and all it made me want to do was sit on his lap and kiss that smug look off his face. I looked down and he seemed.. Far more hungry than a minute before. He snagged my hand as I turned to leave. 

“I am sorry, for what it is worth,” he said quietly, his eyes clear and mesmerizing.    


“Thank you,” I said softly. He planted a feather-soft kiss on my knuckles before releasing my hand. I left the tower as fast as I could without killing myself and laid awake most of the night.    
  
****

**_I sat in the empty main hall of the keep, staring at nothing. I knew I was asleep, finally, after hours of pondering the odd change in Hawke._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_Garrett._ **

**_I rubbed a hand over my mouth. I was wearing just a simple white nightgown, that culminated in about ten straps criss-crossing over my chest and shoulders. I was in my throne, that silly pompous thing that I could barely stand to sit in. Even if it was remarkably comfortable._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_It signified my power, my reach across Thedas._ **

**_I felt the air of the Fade change._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_Hawke walked out of the rotunda, in leather pants and not much else._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_“You think awfully loud when you are asleep,” he said, crossing the hall while scratching his belly._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_I didn’t move, and hoped that he wouldn’t be able to see the blush invading my face._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_“Well since this is my own dream, one would think I was allowed to think any way I choose,” I said, my eyes on his. I was pointedly not noticing the dark hair on his still well defined chest, the hair that disappeared into his barely tied pants. The pants that fit his body like a second skin, leaving little to the imagination. Said pants were usually covered in armor so I had.. No clue what they really did for his, his everything. I coughed._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_“This is true. Not sure why I’m here again,” he said, looking around the hall. “It is eerie, all quiet. Almost mournful,” he mused._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_I shook my head. “It feels quietly hopeful to me. Like the keep is just waiting for the right minds and hearts to come fill the space and make it live again.” I blushed again, not having shared that with anyone, not even Dorian._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_“You’re an optimist. That’s odd to see in a mage.” He looked back at me, his eyebrow raised. I shrugged a shoulder._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_“You should have seen me a year ago. I was more a ‘crazed, broken fool’ than optimist. One must grow, however.”_ **

**_“You are.. So strange.”_ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_I laughed, a real laugh. “Oh, if you were the first person to tell me that, I would have been a boring person indeed. Thank you,” I said with a grin. He looked surprised._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_“I think this is the first time I’ve heard you really laugh,” he said with awe._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_I stood up. He stepped back. I stepped forward. “I’m going to leave now. Before I do anything else to make you like me,” I muttered. His hand shot out and gripped my arm, much the same as it had that first night._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_“Yes?” I asked, not looking back._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_“Look at me,” he said. I did, slowly._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_“Was that you.. In the field, with the flowers and the blanket at night?” he asked, his voice soft. I stiffened._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_“Ah, so that wasn’t just in my head,” I muttered. He pulled me towards him, heat radiating from him. I looked up at him. He rubbed his thumb over my bottom lip._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_“You are an enigma, Inquisitor Nyda.”_ ** ****_  
_ **_I shivered, hearing my name come from those lips. I wrapped my fingers around his wrist._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_“I can’t,” I whispered._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_He shook his head, his hand wrapping around my neck, pulling me closer. I tried to press against his chest, deny what was coming but my body had other plans. And that moment, between the Before, and the After, was so clearly defined. In his eyes, the hand around my neck. The curve of his lips under his face fur. The very heat of the moment, and the undeniable fact that we were both fully aware.._ **

**_Then… His lips brushed against mine, soft and teasing. Need punched through me. My mouth opened under his and he instantly deepened the kiss, his tongue delving into my mouth. I moaned softly when his other hand wrapped around my back, crushing me against his chest. And there we stood, minutes on end, mouths ravaging each other._ ** ****_  
_ **_Finally, he reluctantly pulled his lips from mine._ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_“Let me come to you,” he whispered. I shook my head, fear making me try to pull away even though my heart begged me to stay._ ** ****_  
_ **_  
_ ** I woke up with a gasp, pressing my hand to my heart, my lips throbbing from the pressure of  _ his _ . I climbed from my bed, dragging a blanket with me. I gulped down some water and went to sit on the balcony. I stared up at the moon while I tried to quiet my body. I could feel the tears tracking down my cheeks, down my neck. But they wouldn’t stop. What was I even mourning? He wasn’t  _ mine _ . He didn’t want *me*. He wanted some dreamy illusion that looked like candy but was far more broken in the real waking world. A light lit a window below me, before said window was thrown open. And there he stood, shirtless and broody, staring up at me. 

Ah, who was I kidding? I wanted him more than I wanted to breathe. It made no sense, and all the sense in the world.    


Garrett Hawke would be the death of me.

 

**Garrett -**

  
He stared up at her, and he could feel that ache in her from even here. His pants were uncomfortably tight, and his entire body on edge after kissing her in the fade. Weeks before, he had dreamt about taking her in a field under a sky littered with stars. She had been willing and kind and had soothed that ragged part of his soul that he had forgotten existed. He had woken up nearly in tears when he had realized he was alone on his bedroll in a makeshift camp with Stroud. It had taken days to even begin to forget every touch she had given him, every kiss. 

The way she had begged him to make love to her. 

The smell of her skin, and the feel of her body gripping his with her release.    


The way he had felt like in that moment, his heart had been completely hers. 

Ah hell, he was falling in love with her.    
  


**The next day, the majority of the Inquisition forces left for Adamant fortress. Once there, they split up, with Hawke going up to the battlements with Cullen’s men, and Nyda leading Bull, Cassandra, Varric and Stroud through the keep. They rescued several groups of Wardens who were not under the Magisters control, and met up with Hawke on the rooftops. The elation he had felt when he saw she was fine had angered him, what right did.. Did the infamous Garrett Hawke have to need such a creature as her? They had fought their way into the upper courtyard, where Erimond was trying to convince Clarel to bring the last of the massive army through, a ‘demon that fit her station’.** **  
** ****

**Stroud and Hawke both did their best to dissuade her, but they were too late. An enormous pride demon materialized in front of us, then Erimond summoned that blighted dragon that belonged to Corypheus, Clarel attacked it and chaos ensued. After the gruesome battle with the demons, Nyda chased the dragon, Stroud, Hawke and her team following close behind. On the roof, they were in time to see the dragon mortally wound Clarel after she attacked Erimond.**

**The dragon was crawling across the crumbling bridge when she hit it with one dying blast of power, knocking it off the bridge and collapsing the rest of it under the 6 of them. And as they fell, Nyda was able to open a veil rift for them all to fall into.** **  
****  
****Landing them in the Fade, bodily and whole.** **  
****  
****They fought their way through demons and creatures, meeting the spirit of Divine Justinia, and the Nightmare demon feeding off of all of their very tangible fears.** **  
** ****

**_“Do you think she will ever truly love you, Garrett Hawke? You who tarnish all you touch, who couldn’t even protect your own family?”_ **

**_“I see you for what you really are, Inquisitor. An imposter apostate, broken and not worth the time. You will make an excellent meal, I presume…”_ **

**The demon taunted them all as they fought their way towards the massive rift in the Fade sky. Stroud about the Wardens and their endless failures to protect the world, Varric and his fear of becoming obsolete, Bull and his fear of demons, Cassandra with her fear of failure.** **  
** ****

**The demon pressed every advantage it could, and yet they still triumphed with the help of the spirit. Who was in fact, not the Divine. Still, a beneficial spirit if there ever was one. The spirit hit the big demon and gave them a head start towards the rift. They fought one last demon, nasty and ugly. But as they were leaving….**

**  
** **-Nyda-**

**I told Varric, Bull and Cassandra to run. As I went to escape with Stroud and Hawke, we were cut off from the rift by the big nightmare demon coming back to finish us off. Stroud and Hawke argued, as for who would stay to give the other two a chance to leave.** **  
** ****

**Hawke threatened to set Stroud on fire if he didn’t make a run for it, Stroud angrily listening.**

**And as I stood there staring at that impossibly brave man, he grabbed me and gave me a soul crushing kiss.**

**“Thank you, for showing me that I am still capable of feeling” he said, before kissing me once more. When he pulled away, he blasted the ground in front of me, sending me flying towards the rift as he took off for the demon, shouting obscenities and apologizing to Varric.** **  
****  
****I felt like I had left my soul in the Fade.** **  
** ****

**In the shape of an impossible man, who had taken my heart with him.**

  
  
**_To Be Continued..._ **   



	2. Leap Into The Abyss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strange dreams begin plaguing Nyda after the loss of Hawke, and things are somewhat tense at the keep. When she makes a drastic realization, will she get there in time?

**Day 5 -**

 

I laid there, a hand on my heart and the other covering my mouth. Sweat slathered my skin and my heart raced. Varric still wasn't talking to me, I was barely sleeping. 

And damn Hawke for his last moment chivalry. I pressed my face into my pillow, choking on another sob. I curled in a ball, mourning a man I knew better in my dreams than ever in the waking world. 

 

**_I found myself wandering the ramparts. The keep was again deserted, barely lit by eerie green colored torches. I passed my fingers through the flame, and.. Felt nothing? I shrugged, walking on. This was my third trip around the empty keep, my heart studiously making me avoid the main hall._ **

**_I felt that ache in my chest._ **

**_Maker, would I ever be able to forgive myself?_ **

**_I turned around and screamed, finding Garrett standing there, looking as shocked as I felt._ **

**_“Stop that!” he yelled at me. I covered my mouth, backing away to the edge of the castle wall._ **

**_“You can't be here,” I said finally._ **

**_“Apparently me being here absolutely proves you very wrong. Why do you look so sad?” he asked, walking towards me. I shook my head._ **

**_I knew it couldn't *be* him, but did it hurt to indulge in the desire to keep him alive in my heart? He reached me, his hand reaching out to brush my hair away from my face._ **

**_“Not even a kiss hello?” he murmured, his thumb brushing my lips. I didn't even stop to think, I just grabbed his face, pulling his lips to mine._ **

**_The explosion of need was heady and beyond welcome. His arms wrapped around me, holding me tight as we kissed. Long minutes passed, my hands clinging to him like a lifeline._ **

**_I pulled away. “I.. I thought…” Then I stopped. “I thought you hated me,” I said. Avoiding the worst. Keep the memory of Garrett alive._ **

**_“I never hated you, Maker’s breath. Envied a bit, maybe. Never hated.”_ **

**_I gave him a shaky smile, holding out my hand._ **

**_As he reached for it I felt something change around us… The air turning dark and smoky…_ **

 

I woke with a gasp, sitting up. Couldn't even dream about the man without it punishing me. I flopped back onto my pillow, taking a breath. 

I hated that I had been unable to share that with him. In reality. Away from the fade and dreams. In my bed or on a picnic. Anywhere really. I put my arm over my face, seeing his grin behind my eyes and trying not to cry, I laid there and let the emotions wash over me.

 

**Day 8 -**

 

I sat in the garden, mildly miffed that I had managed to lose to Dorian again. Stupid game. He was, of course, gloating in his favorite way. Sass and bravado. 

I knew he was doing it to rile me up. Or keep me distracted. 

It wasn't working but I didn't have the heart to tell him that. I scowled at him for good measure and left him there laughing into his wine. 

I made my way inside and ate some of whatever was there for supper. Not that I could have told you later what it was. Varric sat across the hall from me, shooting eyeball daggers at me. He had refused to leave the keep since we got back. And wouldn't talk to me at all. I gave up eating and left the room. I made my way out to the battlements, to the same spot I had seen Garrett the other night. 

I stood at the edge of the wall, looking out into nothing. 

“Is he worth all this?” I heard from behind me. Surprisingly, it was Bull. “Who?” I asked, buying time. 

“The Hawke man.”

I sighed. 

“Is he worth what?”

“Letting Varric treat you like that?”

I shrugged. 

“He doesn't believe me when I tell him Garr.. Hawke chose to stay. That he spelled me towards the rift and ran off. Presumably to die a grisly death,” I whispered the last. 

“Ah. Varric is being an idiot. Understandably but still. Want me to talk to him?”

I shook my head, turning to look at him. “We used to fight. Hawke and I. But it was something more. Or starting to be?” I touched my lips again. 

“Oh. Yeah I know that. I could see the tension from across the keep. If that wasn't sexual tension then I'm not a giant man cow.”

I snorted, swallowing a laugh. He gave me a lopsided grin. “Things will work out boss. They tend to to that. Look at me. I'm a great example. Sometimes. Ignore the eye,” he said with an irreverent shrug. I laughed. 

“And there she is,” he said poking my shoulder and nearly knocking me over. 

I squinted. 

“We missed you, boss.” He turned and walked away, whistling some dirty song he loved to annoy Dorian with. 

 

**_I sat in the garden, on a blanket under the stars. I was drinking a glass of sweet wine, watching Garrett cross the garden to sit with me._ **

**_“Well don't you look ravishing,” he said with a very exaggerated sneer. I laughed, setting down my glass._ **

**_“No, I really don't. But you, on the other hand..” I made a show of looking him over. He wore an unbuttoned shirt and loose pants. I wore a simple black strappy nightgown. He stood and held out his hand. I grasped it and he pulled me to my feet. Then into his arms._ **

**_He started to sway, as if there were music. His eye studied my face, bright and happy._ **

**_“Why are you smiling like that?” I asked._ **

**_“Because my view right now is superb?” he said with a dramatic sigh. Then he looked down, and back up with an eyebrow wiggle. I laughed softly._ **

**_“Incorrigible,” I accused._ **

**_“Oh. You have no idea. Either way.. It's a nice night to dance, don't you think?”_ **

**_I nodded, thinking my view far superior to his own. His hair was mussed, and the bare chest only added to the allure._ **

**_His sigh brought me back. I raised my eyebrow._ **

**_“I'm going to kiss you,” he warned me, his voice soft. I nodded, my heart slowing in my chest. His lips captured mine, his breath hot. I closed my eyes, delighting in the feel of him against me._ **

**_He deepened the kiss, his tongue teasing mine. I gripped his shirt, nearly desperate for an anchor._ **

**_His hands slid up my arms, reaching the straps on my shoulders. He pulled his mouth from mine as he tugged them down, his nostrils flaring as the nightgown caught on my breasts instead of falling away. He hooked a finger into the top, giving it a nudge, watching it fall to the ground._ **

**_“And you, you are far too perfect for me,” he said softly. I snorted. His eyes flew to my face. I shrugged. Then I pushed his own shirt off his shoulders, and hooked my hand into his pants._ **

**_He scooped me up before I could act, however, carrying me back to the blanket. He laid me there, watching me as he removed his own pants._ **

**_I watched, appreciation making my face hot as he joined me on the blanket. His hand explored my skin, gentle and persistent. His mouth followed, where one tantalized, the other inflamed. I was writhing, his hand blazing a trail down my body that did nothing but make me want him more. When he sat up, then pulled me up, I just raised an eyebrow. He had me straddle his lap, his hands guiding me above his arousal._ **

**_He filled me as I settled there, his cock hot and throbbing. I moaned, my hands clutching at his shoulders. I trembled, and he claimed my mouth as he began to move us._ **

**_Time seemed to slow around us, my chest against his, a gentle breeze playing over our skin. My skin was on fire. My heart was melting._ **

**_And my soul died a little when I realized again, he wasn't really here._ **

**_His mouth brought me back, his hands gripping my butt as he drew us closer. And when I tumbled into bliss, I took him with me. Shivers and spasms, my breath stolen by his own. I stared into his eyes as my body calmed, “I'm sorry,” I said softly._ **

**_He looked startled. “Why?”_ **

**_“Because I.. I don't know,” I whispered. I kissed him again, hoping that would take some of the shame I felt. Then the sky darkened further, and he cried out, clutching his head._ **

 

I woke up on the floor, my nightgown gone and my heart racing. I was freezing and my mind was whirling. 

I slammed my hand into the floor, pressing my face to my arm to stop the sob. Would this ever cease?!

 

**Day 22 -**

 

I felt myself dozing off at the table, and could barely bring myself to care. I was getting less and less sleep and it was affecting everything I did. Dorian had yelled at me today, and even Varric was looking concerned. 

I caught myself as I nodded off again, excusing myself with a mumble and heading to my room. Something had been nagging at me for days. Every time I saw him in my dreams, he was yanked away by something. It felt less like a nightmare and more like  _ he was actually there _ and being pulled away by someone. Or something. 

And so...

I had a plan.

 

**_I sat on my throne again, of all things. I had spent what felt like hours pacing, waiting and waiting._ **

**_“You look very imperious,” he said, from the doorway to my tower. I gave him a trembling smile. I got up and grabbed his hand, dragging him up to my tower. Once in the room I sat him on my bed, pacing in front of him._ **

**_“Do you remember the night I apologized?” I asked him, looking at my dream fire._ **

**_“I.. Do? Why?”_ **

**_“I want to ask you something. And it may sound insane. Do you remember when we were at Adamant?”_ **

**_“Sometimes.”_ **

**_I was surprised. I turned to face him._ **

**_“What all do you remember?” I asked him then, my hand clenching._ **

**_And he told me. Everything. Even conversations with the members of the Inquisition I had only heard snippets of._ **

**_I sat next to him._ **

**_“You made me leave you in the fade. Varric won't forgive me. And I'm not sleeping. I don't know if you're actually here.. Or if I'm making you up in some stupid attempt to not feel guilt, but it's killing me.”_ **

**_He sat there quiet for a minute._ **

**_“I thought I had died and this was …” his voice trailed off and he paled._ **

**_“You're alive!”_ **

**_“I'm alive!” we declared at the same time._ **

**_I grabbed his hand._ **

**_“I need to talk to Solas and Dorian. Maybe Fiona. I have an idea. It'll probably hurt. If it works at all.” My mind was racing._ **

**_He gripped my shoulders._ **

**_“Has all of this been real then?” he asked me. I nodded, brushing my hand over his cheek._ **

**_“More real than we knew,” I said, sad that it had taken me this long._ **

**_Suddenly the room brightened and Garrett grabbed his head, falling to his knees._ **

 

I woke up with a yell, still in my clothes, sprawled across my bed. I got up and ran downstairs, across the battlements to Bull’s room. I pounded on the door, receiving yells for my efforts. Eventually Bull opened the door, hiding behind it and glaring at me. 

“I need Dorian!” I said, completely out of breath. 

“Well, I am sorry to break it to you..” he started to say but my glare shut him up. He closed the door and I heard him mutter something, and an answering whine. The door reopened, Dorian standing there in a sheet.

“Hawke is alive,” I said, practically vibrating. 

“WHAT?!” 

I quickly explained everything, from the dreams to my realization. His face filled with sympathy. 

I growled. “Dorian. Would I wake you up for nothing? Am I known for.. For fucking flights of fantasy? Do I make a habit of LYING, DORIAN?!”

His eyes grew wide. 

“Boss. What if he's not there?” Bull asked. I closed my eyes and sighed. “Bull. He's been visiting me in the fade since the first time he came to Skyhold. It’s uncanny and unconventional. But I know the difference between dreams and a person.”  _ Mostly…  _ I was still irked with myself for ignoring that base part of me that felt it was  _ him _ and not some manifestation of my guilt.

“How could he have survived that?” Dorian asked.

“I don't know. Demons are stupid and fickle. Maybe it wanted a living meal. I don't know! But it's him! I swear it,” I said the last softly. 

Dorian straightened up, “Let me get dressed. Go get the others, we'll talk in your room,” he said. I nodded, and left them to hurried whispers. I sent footmen to rouse Solas and Fiona. And Leliana. 

And at first they all looked dubious. Then as I told them, how he would be pulled out by pain and danger, they began to suspect I wasn't completely crazy. 

“I have an idea. If.. If I can go back to Adamant, and reopen the rift there that we came out of… I can find him. But I'll need at least two of you to anchor it. And one to come with me. Solas.. You should come with. You know more about the fade than anyone I know. Fiona and Dorian can anchor it.”

Leliana was pacing by the stairs.

“I got a report today, but had dismissed it. When our scouts were there, they were hearing really odd sounds, and the air would ripple all strangely. I attributed it to the veil still being thin but what if it's Hawke?” 

\--

**_Hawke stood at the edge of that barren cliff again, drawn back over and over by the Nightmare demon. The one that took *her* face, her voice, the feel of her skin. And used it against him like the finest of weapons. Wrapped in silk but razor sharp. His eyes clouded over as he watched visions of his past failures dance before his eyes._ **

**_Bethany dying. Carver nearly dying in the deep roads and being taken by the Grey Wardens._ **

**_His mother's insistence that he was to blame. For all of the things. The weight of that burden nearly suffocating him, even after her grisly death. The betrayal by Isabela, that one still stung. Over a fucking book._ **

**_Then the Chantry. And Anders leaving in the wake of the aftermath._ **

**_The world fell apart at the seams, and he was right in the center of it._ **

**_Then he saw her face, and his heart tripped and fell flat in his chest._ **

**_How had he, of all the men in the world, caught her eye?_ **

**_He, who breaks everything he touches._ **

**_He, who had taken one look at her from across the courtyard and nearly fell prostrate at her feet._ **

**_Garrett sighed, rubbing a hand over his chest. The landscape changed again and he was back in the tavern. Time for the 400th round of Wicked Grace._ **

**_He would wait for her to come back, and pray that he survived until then._ **

\--

We spent a day planning. Gathering materials and spells. Dorian had unearthed a travel spell in some books he had gotten from a friend in Tevinter. Solas prepared a couple of spells he had for bending the will of the fade, and a location spell that worked in the fade. Bull and Cassandra were pulled into the preparation, and somehow Varric got wind of what we were doing.

“Are you crazy?” he asked me, standing in the doorway to the tower room we had absconded with. 

I turned to look at him. 

“No. Amazingly I'm not. Now you choose to talk to me?”

“When you're going on a fool’s mission, yes!”

I snorted. “You have no right.” I said it softly.

“What?”

“You've said nothing to me since I told you Garrett stayed. You've been glaring at me for weeks, acting like it was  _ my _ choice! I would sooner have died than left him there,” I whispered the last, my hand crushing the poor paper I had been holding. 

“You, for all your intelligence, are so fucking dense.” Succinct and direct, at least I had that going for me.

He stood there, his jaw dangling to his chest. 

I continued. “I tried to stop him, Varric. But he shot me towards the rift and ran off before I could. He broke me, his fucking heroics and chivalry. Saving me when I don't even deserve it! And then you! Waltzing around here like I personally held a dagger to his throat and gleefully cut it to ribbons.” I was pacing, my hands furiously punctuating my words. 

“He's been coming to me in the fade for months.”

“Wait.. Months?” he asked.

I nodded. “Months. At first I thought it just a figment of my own stupid brain. But it was actually him. We figured it out a.. A week before Adamant.”

He rubbed his hand over his face, sighing. 

“Are you sure?” he asked. 

“I'm about as sure about this as about what I feel. It's him.”

“Can I help?” he asked quietly. I was surprised.

“Why?” 

“Because I've been an ass. And he's my best friend. And you obviously care for the idiot.”

I raised my eyebrow. “Buffoon. Get it right,” I admonished. He laughed.

 

**They left the next morning, traveling by spell. Nyda, Dorian, Bull, and Varric. Cassandra, Leliana, and Solas. They stood in what was left of the same courtyard they had stood in a month before, when the air over the empty fountain shimmered and rippled. Nyda had everyone stand back, and after removing her customary glove, she unleashed the power of the mark, changing that ripple into a full blown rift. Solas and Nyda took each others hand, and with a last look at her friends,**

 

**_I stepped into the fade, with Solas by my side._ ** **_  
_ ** **_“I never thought to see it this way,” Solas said, his eyes flying everywhere. He pulled out a small metal device from his pack, handing it to me._ **

**_“This is like a compass. Except it works for finding people instead of directions. I used a belonging of his that I asked Varric for to tune it. It just needs a push of power from the mark, and it should activate.”_ **

**_I stared at it, the little dome shaped thing. There were little gears and 2 tiny crystals inside. I decided not to ask how it worked, instead closing my eyes and releasing just a bit of power from the mark. The little device began to glow, little whirring sounds coming from it. Then it made an audible click and the glowing coalesced into one point. I moved my hand and the point moved to keep pointing in one direction._ **

**_“He's that way. And I can already feel the fade shifting because of our presence. I have a feeling things are going to get… Odd?” Solas mused as he tilted his head in the direction the compass pointed. We started to walk. After about fifteen minutes, the air around us shimmered, and in front of us stood a huge building. With a Chantry flag on the front and a statue of Andraste._ **

**_I pushed open the door, and inside sat Garrett on a bench, staring at his hands. I rushed towards him, but when he looked up and saw me, a black cloud enveloped him, taking him away before I could get to him._ **

**_The Chantry disappeared around us and we were back in the eerie green light. We continued following the compass, and after more time passed, we found a house. I opened the door, finding a family sitting at a table. One young man who looked like a much younger Garrett, and two teenagers eating a meal. A woman who was likely their mother, was sitting there too, staring off into nowhere._ **

**_I put my hand on young Garrett’s shoulder, and when he turned to face me, he changed into our Garrett. His hand shot to mine, disbelief coloring his eyes._ **

**_Then he started to fade from view, “We'll find you!” I told him as he vanished._ **

**_The house went with him and we resumed walking. A massive mansion appeared, looking nothing like what I had seen. I opened the door to find him standing on a balcony overlooking the lower floor. He looked.. Lonely. Dismally so._ **

**_“Garrett!” I yelled, trying to get his attention. He just shook his head and turned away. I hurried up the stairs and caught him as he was about to enter another room._ **

**_“Garrett, please,” I begged, reaching for his hand. He held it away, glaring at me._ **

**_“Stop this game, you bastard!” he growled._ **

**_“It's ME!” I yelled, shoving his shoulder. He snorted._ **

**_“You've said that before,” he scoffed._ **

**_“Oh stop being daft,” Solas said from behind me. Garrett jumped, as if just now seeing him._ **

**_I reached out and pulled his hand to my chest, over my heart. “I'm real. It's very much me and I'm here to take you home,” I told him, hoping my conviction would help._ **

**_He stood there, terror and something far more visceral on his lovely face._ **

**_“How?” he whispered._ **

**_“I told you, I've got a special relationship with the fade. As does Solas. And how could I leave you here knowing you were alive?” I whispered the last._ **

**_“The demon will kill us all!” he hissed. I shook my head._ **

**_“I have a plan for that. Please, trust me?”_ **

**_He reluctantly nodded. “We need to go back to the rift I created. I have a feeling I'm going to have to pull you through.” I held out my hand. He grasped it and heaved a sigh._ **

**_“Now would be a good time to use your ‘fade will bending’ spell, Solas.” I said it quietly, as the house was starting to fade into shadows around us._ **

**_He put a hand on both of our shoulders and after muttering a few words, we were back in the dingy green light of the fade. I tugged Garrett, and we started running towards the rift. Whatever Solas had done had brought us much closer to it. Hawke began to slow as we got closer, shadows clinging to him. I sent Solas ahead, pulling Garrett harder. When he finally stopped, unable to move, panic lit his eyes. I took his hands and pressed them to my face._ **

**_“I need you to try,” I pleaded softly. My own hand caressed his cheek. I leaned forward and kissed him. Gentle pressure, lasting a breath. Until his hands tightened their hold, clinging to me as he deepened the kiss._ **

**_“Garrett.. Please?” I begged, pulling my mouth away and pressing my forehead to his. He trembled, nodding. I pulled him again, and he was able to finally move. On the cusp of the rift, he yelled, grabbing his head and struggling to stay standing._ **

**_I said a silent quick prayer, casting a fade shield around us. Then, pulling him with me, I ran all out for the rift._ **

 

I appeared on the other side, hand empty and panic setting in. I reached back through, using the magic of the mark to aid me. I felt his hand reaching for mine. Then I had hands pulling at me, Bull and Cassandra helping me. And it took all three of us, pulling and straining. 

When Garrett finally shot through the rift, he barreled into me, knocking me down and the breath from my lungs. I laid there, dazed and sore. Shouting roused me, and hands dragged me up from the ground. I shook my head to clear it, reaching out to close the rift.

Then a tentacle shot out of the opening, wrapping around my arm and yanking me back in. 

 

**_I awoke on the ground, that same eerie green light all around me. I sat up, surrounded by spirits. I swallowed, sitting up slowly._ **

**_And she awakens!_ ** **_A voice boomed around me. I jumped._ **

**_I looked around, seeing nothing but spirits staring at me. At least I think they were staring at me… They really didn't have faces, per se._ **

**_I stood up, brushing myself off._ **

**_You are an aggravating human,_ ** **_t_ ** **_he voice said._ **

**_“And you're an aggravating whatever the hell you are,” I muttered. The voice laughed, a harsh and grating sound._ **

**_You took my toy , human_ **

**_“No, I took someone I care deeply for. He was never a toy. Yours or otherwise.”_ **

**_Ah. You think so? Tis not your choice, though. Either way, tis done._ **

**_I raised an eyebrow. “Then why am I here?”_ **

**_I wanted to study you a bit before letting you back into the world. You are an anomaly that we did not account for. Your connection to the Fade. And your command of it. Even outside of your wolfen friend, you have much power and it demands to be studied. But, alas, not having the Hawke to feed off of has made me tired._ **

**_I pondered all of that._ **

**_“I'm not that powerful,” I stated._ **

**_You will learn soon enough, human. Now, be gone._ **

 

I flew out of the rift, landing on my back with a sickening thud I couldn't breathe and my head felt like it was splitting in half. Somehow I managed to raise my hand and close the rift before falling unconscious. 

 

**Hours Later -**

 

I awoke on my bed back in Skyhold, groggy and confused. I sat up as I remembered what we had been doing, moaning as the room spun around me. I laid down again, covering my face. 

I heard footsteps, “Whoever you are, if you're here to kill me get on with it. I'm dying anyways,” I whined. 

“You better not,” came the reply. My heart stopped. 

I moved my arm, and my breath caught when I saw Garrett standing over me. 

“Are you real?” I asked quietly. He poked my leg. Then he held out his hand. I grasped it and he pulled me into his arms. I gripped him tight, my face in the crook of his neck, tears I hadn't even known I was capable of escaping my eyes. He gripped me tighter, his heartbeat a solid reassurance that he was, indeed, real. 

A voice called from the door down below, “Everyone alive up here?”

Varric. 

Garrett laughed, pulling away and kissing my forehead before Varric appeared at the top of the stairs. I hastily wiped at my face. He eyed us both. 

“So the feeling is mutual, I gather?”

Garrett looked at me. 

“I fucking hope so.”

I climbed from the bed, standing there looking at them both. 

Varric coughed. “Inquisitor. Nyda. I'm sorry,” he said so softly I almost didn't hear. 

“What was that?” I asked. He scowled at me. Garrett looked back and forth between us. 

“It's been twenty-four days since Adamant. And for twenty-two of those, someone treated me like a murderer.” I explained it succinctly. 

“Are you serious?” Garrett asked Varric, incredulous. 

“What?! You guys fought like cats and dogs, and then all of a sudden she comes back looking all broken and you aren't here and what was I supposed to think?”

“That I was telling the truth?” I asked quietly.

He sighed, his shoulders falling. “I should have believed you. I'm sorry,” he said again, louder this time. I held out my hand and he gave me a hug instead. When he pulled away he straightened out his shirt and squared his shoulders. 

“I'm going for a drink. I will act as a distraction for you, so you can cavort in peace,” he said, turning on his heel and leaving my tower. 

“I've already been interrogated by all of your advisors. Leliana is very.. Thorough.” 

I nodded, sounded like something they would do. I moved to my liquor cart, noting that I was wearing my undershirt and my pants and nothing else. I poured some honey brandy and took a big swallow, facing the open balcony door. 

“I thought I was crazy,” I told him. 

“What?”

“I thought I was making you up to not feel so guilty for you staying.”

His hands grasped my shoulders, before one of his arms wrapped around my chest, pulling me against him. 

“I thought that I was in the afterlife and it was an odd sort of torture.”

I laughed softly. 

“So what now?” I asked. 

He took the cup from my hand, taking a sip before setting it onto the cart. He turned me to face him. 

“Was what we felt in there real?” he asked me, his eyes studying my face. 

“It felt real. It felt more than real.”

His hand toyed with my hair. “My biggest regret was not telling you before we met the demon how you made me feel.”

I raised my eyebrow. “Frustrated? Annoyed? Ooh, I know! Old!”

He laughed, a big beautiful laugh that reached his eyes and lit up his face. "More like exasperated. Or flummoxed. Then there was the mind boggling attraction.”

I fixed the collar to his shirt. “Attraction, aren't I too young?” I teased.

He sighed. “I'll never live that down, will I?” 

I shook my head. He started to speak, but his words dissolved into a huge yawn. I laughed softly.

“You need a nap. Want me to have a room readied for you, or…” I looked towards my big lonely bed. 

“Ah you couldn't pull me away using ten druffalo and a feisty mage,” he declared, dragging me to the bed. He discarded his shirt and boots, climbing into the bed. I followed, with him pulling me close as we laid down. 

I laid there a minute, trying to settle my heart. He sighed, “Don't go anywhere, alright?” 

“Nowhere I'd rather be,” I answered truthfully. 

And with that I promptly fell asleep again. 

\---

I awoke a few hours later, surprisingly warm and being held close by Garrett. I laid there for a minute, trying not to question it. 

He was home.

He was  _ here _ .

In my bed of all places. 

His heartbeat was heavy against my back. His hand enveloping my own. His breath on my neck. Maker, but he was _ here. _

He shifted in his sleep, rolling onto his back. I shifted on the bed, turning to face him, smiling at his arm thrown over his face and his scruffy chin the only visible part of it. 

I climbed from the bed, stretching and moving to get some water. My arm was aching and irritating. And my stomach was in knots. 

What if what was so real in  _ there _ no longer translated the same  _ here _ ?

What if it was all a manifestation of the fade and I was literally hanging out here with all of my feelings and wishes. Needs and wants. 

I drank some water, watching him sleep all sprawled out on my bed. He had to be exhausted, weeks in the fade. And who knows what else fell on him in there. I winced when another pain shot up my arm. 

I opened my dresser and pulled out the ointment that Dorian and Solas had concocted for my arm. I had played a little too hard with the mark and it was telling me in no uncertain terms.

I spread some over my hand and wrist, up my arm towards my elbow. It tingled, cold and relief soon followed. I sighed, lifting my hands to rebraid my hair. But when it was loose down my back, I heard a soft whistle behind me. 

I turned with a wry smile. He laid there, his brown eyes on me. 

“Who would have thought you had all that white hair?” he mused quietly. I shrugged a shoulder. 

He sat up, grimacing as he moved. 

“Would you like a hot bath?” I asked, my face flushing. 

He raised his eyebrows, moving to the edge of the bed. “Are you offering…” 

I snorted. “I'm offering you the use of the bathing room in the basement of the keep. I will not be bathing you,” I swallowed, looking up, muttering “no matter how intriguing that sounds.” 

He laughed. He stood with a quiet groan. Then he walked towards me. “A bath would be amazing. Thank you,” he said as he wrapped his arms around me. I pressed my forehead to his chest. 

Then I pulled away and stepped into my closet, grabbing a robe. I pulled it on, and grabbed some bathing supplies. Then I took his hand and led him through the still dark keep. When we descended the final stairway, I pulled him down the hallway with the bathing room. I opened the door and led him inside. He moaned when he saw the deep pool recessed into the marble floor. The floor was warm around it and he looked like a giddy child. I gave him the basket of cloths and soaps, and ran while I could. I pulled the door shut and sat outside in the hallway. 

I did my best to not think of what he was doing in there. My self control at this point was fairly rock solid and nearly felt like a bit of security after everything. I jumped when he opened the door some time later, wearing the same pants and a towel around his neck. His hair was sticking out every which way and his eyes were bright and clear. Of all things, his beard was gone. My jaw nearly hit the floor. 

“Do  _ you _ need a bath Inquisitor?” he asked me. I shook my head, trying not to stare at the dark hair on his chest, or the hair that disappeared into his very low pants. Or his clean shaven face. 

He held out a hand, helping me off the floor. He kept my hand and we went back upstairs just as the keep’s inhabitants were starting their day. I closed and bolted my door, my heart starting this heavy dance in my chest. He followed me up the stairs, the silence nearly pensive. I set the basket back in my closet, and when I turned to leave, he was there in the doorway, his hip against the door frame, and his towel gone. His hair had mostly mellowed out, the gray a startling silver against the black waves. I sighed. 

“Yes?” I asked, my hand on my stomach. 

“You're all tiny and dainty looking. And yet you stormed the fade. To save me of all people.” He sounded mildly amused. 

I lifted my chin, trying not to care about the flush crawling up my chest. “I couldn't not,” I said quietly. 

“Oh I know it. If our positions were reversed, I'd have done the same. Just because I want to explore this… Whatever it is. Outside of dreams. And demon machinations.”

I nodded, suddenly far more nervous than I had been in the fade. He held out his hand, long strong fingers reaching for me. I put my hand in his and he drew me out of the closet. 

“We'll save that for later,” he said with a head gesture at the closet. I laughed, couldn't help it. He pulled me to the massive bed, sitting on the end with me between his legs. I was barely taller than him, even with him sitting. 

He raised my and to his lips, grazing my knuckles with a kiss. I tried not to sigh with giddy anticipation. He raised his hands to the straps of my undershirt, tugging them down my shoulders. Goosebumps trailed after his fingers. I raised my hands to his face before he could tug my shirt further down. My hands cradled his face, gentle and loving, as I lowered my mouth to his. His breath stopped as I kissed him softly, my lips moving slowly over his. He opened his mouth beneath mine, an invitation if there ever was one. My tongue delved slowly, and his joined the fray. 

It was like coming home. Heady to feel that it wasn't just in the fade. That this want was as real as him or I. A few moments later I dropped my arms and allowed my shirt to fall. His hands fell to my hips, his lips pressing to my collarbone. 

“I had so hoped this was real,” he whispered. He sounded as afraid as I was. I felt better then - at least I wasn't alone in the curiosity. His hands moved then, up my sides, to each cup a breast. I shivered against him, his mouth followed his hands, first lavishing attention on one, then the other. He pressed his forehead to my stomach, taking a shaking breath. When he looked up again I gave him a smile, before drawing him to his feet. I helped him remove his pants and he reciprocated. Then he picked me up, carrying me around the bed to lay me up onto the pillows. 

I watched as he moved around the room dousing candles, his strong body framed by the dim fire. Scars scattered across his body, and the hair covering him still dark and vivid. He was clearly aroused, and if the clenching of his jaw was any indication, he was as far gone as myself. He finally joined me on the bed and I pulled him on top of me. I brought his lips to mine and it seemed to be all the encouragement he needed. 

What had started as unsure exploded into pure flames. His hands were everywhere, as were my own. His body heavy on mine, his tongue a heady presence as he kissed me mindless. 

Eventually his hand slid between myself and the mattress, gripping my butt before shifting my leg. He nestled himself between my thighs, his cock against my thigh. He broke his lips away, golden eyes deep as he looked over my face. 

“Garrett?” I said quietly, to his surprise apparently. 

“You said my name,” he said with some wonder. 

“I did. I've said it a lot recently. Why?” I asked him, running my fingers over his arms. 

“Everyone.. Well everyone always calls me Hawke.”

My heart broke for him a little. “You've been Garrett to me since that first time I kissed you in the fade,” I admitted. 

His face broke into a smile then, gorgeous and strong. His lips crushed mine for a moment, and a whispered “Thank you,” made me fall a little harder.

His hand appeared between us, finding my arousal, and he wasted no time. He shifted his hips, guiding himself to enter me, ever so slowly. My breath caught. 

This. 

_ This _ was what I had been dreaming of. Waiting for. Needing for so long it had become an intrinsic part of me.

When he began to move inside me, all my thoughts scattered. All I did was  _ feel _ . Stroke after stroke, thrust upon thrust, my body answered the age old call of his. I gripped his arms, my leg wrapped around his hip, his chest against my own. His fingers still touched me, and far far too soon, I was plummeting headlong into the abyss. My release shook me, to my core, making me cry out. He stopped moving as I throbbed around him, his cock hot and throbbing. He thrust once. Then twice more, a deep sound ripped from his own throat as he pulsed deep inside me, his own release strong. 

We laid there, intertwined for what felt like hours, letting our bodies come back from wherever one goes with love making that profound. Eventually we grew chilly, and after cleaning up we climbed back into the bed, tangled around each other again. 

“That was beyond worth the wait. And the trip to the fade,” he murmured against my hair. I looked up at him, my hand moving to touch his hairless chin. He shivered. 

“The Nightmare Demon used to infest it with tiny little miniature demon spiders.”

I thought about that a minute. “I can get used to seeing your whole face,” I mused. He laughed. An amazing sound to hear after all we had been through.

“Are we crazy?” he asked me.

“Probably. But who isn't anymore? The world has gone insane, we might as well follow suit,” I said with some logic. 

“Works for me.”

Later on, when the sun was rising over the mountains, he woke me and made love to me again. Slow, and sweet and quiet, he took me there in the morning light. And when I fell asleep a little while later, I felt cherished, which is more than I'd felt in a long time. 

And I'd be dead and damned before I let that go.


End file.
